There Will Be Days You Will Feel Lost

Deborah Ruth Ross Memorial Service 2019 First Baptist Church Barnesville Georgia. Loved you yesterday, Love you still, Always have , Always Will

Today I sit here on the 15th Floor looking out over the cityscape. I can’t seem to find my groove. I was headed to Downtown to meet a friend for lunch at her work. She could not make it, so I decided I would putter, sip on a cup of coffee, and rifle through my files for an unfinished project. With my morning plans settled, I picked up my phone to check the time, and of course, social media. The Captain alerted me to the dog and cat that he and I share this apartment with decided they would make a mess. It was not to be a quiet morning. When all crisis was averted, and the phone stopped ringing, I headed to the shower and made some coffee and a little breakfast afterward. I sat down with my laptop to dig through google drive for my unfinished novel.
After I located it, I read the chapters to see if my characters would begin speaking to my imagination again. There was no such luck. So I did what any self-respecting author would do…. Text my co-Author and sister Leona Windwalker/ Loretta Johns. It was a short chat she has edits she needs a hand with. I am glad to do them, but they won’t be ready today.

Here I sit with a half of a day over waiting on The Captain to come home for lunch. That will be an hour that I can snuggle and distract myself from the reality of my situation. For you see, I am lost. I am displaced. Inside of me is deep feelings which are stunted. It is not as though I don’t want to deal with them. I am, after all, a counselor with an arsenal of healthy coping skills. But these feelings refuse to submit themselves to me at the moment. There is no quick fix. Numbness and this slightly uncomfortable feeling is something that I have to walk through. It is not going to be rushed. I feel the disquiet in my very being. I pray on purpose, despite that the feeling doesn’t let up.

So today, it will just be what comes is what comes. The dog will need to walk, and after my sweet gets home from work, we will go to the store, grab some hot wings for dinner and eat in bed. We have our thing. We will watch Star Trek The Next Generation. Then it will be time to sleep. I dread that moment as well. All distractions are gone, and grief comes to greet me as I close my eyes. If I am lucky, I will sleep. If I am not, I will still sleep with the help of a prescription.

The Bottom line is I miss Her. The presence of Deborah, the reality of her, was more significant than I realized. It wasn’t that I took her for granted. We talked every day. It’s not something you think of because you are bouncing along in life with the good and the bad ….. But not so bad because you have that unfailing support. It was beautiful. As strange as this may sound, her loss is when I need her the most. Just to see the words on paper, there is no way to convey the weight and meaning to them.

Deborah Ruth Ross and Stacia Barnesville Georgia . We both loved Yellow. Deborah more than me.

The Holy Spirit in me assures me there is a purpose just as Ecclesiastes says to everything there is a season. What purpose does this have? I do not know. I can only say that I feel she is worshiping in Heaven and still interceding in agreement with Yah for my life and those she loved.
But despite that today, I am lost just wandering around in these 24 hours clueless, somewhat lifeless inside.

Grief is not a linear thing. It is not pretty, and for those around you that are not affected, they may feel helpless to comfort you. They most certainly feel scared when you don’t want them to comfort you. When you are quiet and tears stream down your face, a simple I am with you, a hug or a hand on your back is the thing we need. Those silent moments or moments of gut-wrenching sobs of tears are sacred, for we must feel the pain it’s all we have left at the moment. We can’t enjoy the memories just yet. And even when we do remember the good times we the survivor may laugh and smile only to meet with tears again.

Deborah’s kind of love you will not find every day. She was a very rare individual, and we were benefactors. Someone and something that supporting that glorious can not be grieved lightly or easily.
So when you feel this way or your friend or loved one is grieving, know that this is part of it. I have no doubt because I have Yah, a loving husband, children, siblings, and friends that I will find my way forward. It just doesn’t compute right now. It is a faith statement.


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